On Laughter

One of my idols in life, the great Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh aka Osho, had once advised us to ‘Be a joke unto yourself.’ He had also said, that Buddha had once said, that we should ‘Be a light unto yourself.’ But then, according to Osho, what can one do with a light? Light a cigar?

Having started as a humor blogger, and usually getting comments in the brotherhood of ‘LOL and Hahahaha’ I actually find the prospect of writing this post very interesting. (Unfortunately, not hilarious.) During that time, my entire philosophy of writing was this- “if internally, a thought produces laughter in me then it must be funny.” A couple of years later, after a few personal upheavals when I looked at these posts with a straight face and realised how grandly I had wasted my hours constructing these ‘punches’, I felt disgusted with myself. The only thing that felt like a ‘punch’ then, was the blow on my self confidence.

What I do find funny though, about that phase was how grandly I promoted the blog. (Even something very unrelated as a radio community on orkut would have a post called- Check out my humor blog!) Also, as a writer who wanted to grow I decided that I must take inspiration from American and British sitcoms. How sad it was for me to not get their jokes at that time.

Nostalgia aside, laughter in my present life is incredibly hard to come by (maybe it is just my narcissism which wants to see people laugh than laugh myself). Still, if I were to prepare a list of things I find funny, then this would be it.

1. It is there in the cry of the enemy. (Making a comeback to an insult, this too me is the best form as you are laughing at the same person who once laughed at you.)
2. It is there in the shared sense of serendipitous connection from a friend. (The other day, I was talking to a friend online and we were both watching Mohra on Zee Cinema. I chuckled at how psychedelic it was.)
3. It is there in sarcasm, unexpected surprises, appropriate suggestive message in response to a suggestive message, and last but not the least- it is there in dreams of sunshine where life would not be so dark as it is now.

That is all.

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Tere account mein abhi kitne hai?

Before, coming to Manipal- I was never into asking for money. But, somehow the culture has seeped into me after coming here. It’s unavoidable. I have however tried to keep my udhaari circle (not to be confused with friend circle)down to a few people only.

Anyways, here are a few sentences that I hear often. This post will help me capture the essence of my financial crisis when I am out of this place, and god willing am self or wife dependent for monetary issues. Each sentence tells a story.

Woh bhi humari tarah hi hai. Pata chala- mere se hi maang liya.

Maang toh sakta huu. Par achcha nahi lagta. Kabhi maange nahi pehle.

Usse toh abhi maange thhe. Abhi uske paas bhi nahin honge.

Tere kab aa rahe hai?

Mere monday ko aa rahe hain, uske baad main return kar dunga. 

Saale ko 300 rupai diye the, abhi tak waapis nahi aaye. 

Usse main tabhi maangta huu, jab bilkul unavoidable situation aa jaati hai. 

Usko maine past mein itna diya hai, ab mana nahi kar sakta. 

Oye, aaj main apne account pe tere ko khilva deta huu. Tuu food court ke bajaai, mujhe paise de de. 

And, after all this:

Mummy, aap paise nahin bhejogi toh main udhaari leke arrange kar lunga. Par, aap hi ne sikhaaya tha ki kabhi kisi se kuch bhi maangna nahi chahiye. Usse garibi aati hai. Abhi aap 1000 dalva do. Agle mahine utna kam dalva dena. 

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2 States (Dilemma Solved in under 500 words)

There is an Indian writer who wrote a book, about how it is very difficult in India to marry someone from outside your state. Now I say, it is difficult only if you think it is difficult. The dilemma is not even there. (Also, if you didn’t already notice, I am here to bring about a change in the mindset of the Indian youth.) Here are the three steps of action, you need to take:-

1.) The Threat

Take your Mom to one side. And say gravely, looking right into her eyes:

“Mummy, dekho aapko toh maaloom hi aaj kal kitne log bhaagke shaadi kar rahe hain..”

Your Mom, would most probably say: “Tum kehna kya chahte ho beta?”

2.) Argue

Take a more friendlier tone now,

“Mom, main yahi kehna chahta huu ki aapne mujhe jis school me bheja, usme kitne log humare state ke the? Aapne mujhe jis society mein rakha, usme kitne log humare state ke the? Ab jab meri shaadi ki function hogi, toh usme aisa kaise hoga ki sab log mere state ke hi rahein?”

If you want to add more drama to this, you can become Nana Patekar and say,

“Yeh dekho, yeh hain khoon ke do samples. Isme se aap batao, ki kaunsa sample, kis state ka hai?”

3.) Have your defense ready for the worst:

Now, the biggest threat your Mom could give here is:

“Agar tumhara yahi marzi hain, toh iss ghar ke darwaaze tumhare liye hamesha ke liye band ho jayenge.”

To which you will say, in a sweet voice,

“Mummy, main jaanta huu maa ka dil kitna bada hota hai. Aap ke do hi bete hain. Jyada se Jyada aap mere se ek saal ke liye naaraaz reh sakti ho. Aapne hi toh sikhaaya tha mujhe, “Ki Kupooto jayi ta, kadichapi kumaata na bhavati.” (Sons can be bad, but mother can never be bad.) Jyaada se jyaada do saal aap naaraz rahogi, fir kaai ke liye faaltu ka bad blood.”

4.) Be ethical:

Now, I understand how nature works. God is watching, and he’ll not bless your marriage if you do not take blessings from parents. So, for the final nail in the coffin, you must say these lines to your Mom:

“Mummy, dekho agar aap aashirwaad nahin dete ho toh main bhaag ke shaadi karne hi wala huu.. Lekin, bina aapke aashirwaad ka divorce hone ka chances hai.. aur usse bhi worse, kahin mere ya mere wife ke health pe aapki buri nazar pad gayi toh kitne saare logon ko dard pahunchega.. Ab aap hi soch lo?”

Anyways, that’s it. Happy Married Life!

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Made in India – Funny Short Story

A Japanese tourist hailed a taxi in downtown Delhi and asked to be taken to the international  air port.
On the way, a car zoomed by and the tourist responded, “Ohhh! TOYOTA!! Made in Japan!! Very fast!”
Not too long afterward, another car flew by the taxi. “Ohh! NISSAN!! Made in Japan!! Very fast!”
Yet another car zipped by, and the tourist said, “Ohh! Mitsubishi!! Made in Japan!! Very fast!”
The taxi driver, who was 100% Indian, was starting to get a little annoyed that the Japanese made cars were passing his Taxi, when yet another car passed the taxi as they were turning into the airport. “Ohh! Honda!! Made in Japan!! Very fast!”
The taxi driver stopped the car, pointed to the meter, and said, “That’ll be Rupees 500.”
“Rupees 500? It was so short a ride! Why so much?”
The Taxi driver replied ”Taxi meter. Made in India . Very fast.”

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Little Mary

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ”Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?” When Mary didn’t stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

”God Almighty !” shouted Mary and the teacher said, ”Very good” and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ”Who is our Lord and Savior?” But Mary didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ”Jesus Christ!” shouted Mary and the teacher said, ”Very good,” and Mary fell back to sleep.

 

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ”What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ”If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in half!”

The Teacher fainted.

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Not going to have babies

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.

“That’s a serious step,” he said. “Have you thought it out completely?”

“Yes,” his young son answered. “We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It’s right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark.”
“How about transportation?” the father asked.

 

“I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles,” the little boy answered. The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.

Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, “What about babies? When you’re married, you’re liable to have babies, you know.”

“We’ve thought about that, too,” the little boy replied.

“We’re not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I’m going to step on it!”

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Woman

Element name: WOMAN

Symbol: WO

Atomic weight: (don’t even go there)

Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if mishandled.

Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Volatile when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a shinier specimen.

 

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

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