Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ”Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?” When Mary didn’t stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
”God Almighty !” shouted Mary and the teacher said, ”Very good” and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, ”Who is our Lord and Savior?” But Mary didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ”Jesus Christ!” shouted Mary and the teacher said, ”Very good,” and Mary fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ”What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.
This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ”If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in half!”
A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.
“That’s a serious step,” he said. “Have you thought it out completely?”
“Yes,” his young son answered. “We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It’s right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark.” “How about transportation?” the father asked.
“I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles,” the little boy answered. The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.
Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, “What about babies? When you’re married, you’re liable to have babies, you know.”
“We’ve thought about that, too,” the little boy replied.
“We’re not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I’m going to step on it!”
Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if mishandled.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Volatile when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a shinier specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Teacher: Bade ho kar tum kya karoge? Student: Ji shaadi.
Teacher: Mera matalab, kya banoge? Student: Ji dulha.
Teacher: Are, mera matlab hai, kya hasil karoge? Student: Ji DULHAN.
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Two employees for the gas company were at a house call. The younger man said to the older one, "Geez, you're old!"
"Yeah, that may be so, but I can still outrun you," replied the older employee.
"How about a foot race to see if you're right," said the younger employee.
With that they start running at full speed around that block. The older man kept up with the younger man around the first corner, the second corner, the third corner. As they come up on the last corner, the younger man sees an elderly woman running as fast as her legs could carry her. Puzzled by this, they both stop ask her why she was running behind them. The old woman caught her breath and said, "Well, you were at my home checking my gas meter, and when I saw you running away, I figured I'd better run too!"
A Soviet journalist walks into the hospital and tells the desk nurse, "I want to see the eye-ear doctor."
"There is no such doctor" she tells him. "Perhaps you would like to see someone else?"
"No, I need to see an eye-ear doctor," he says.
"But there is no such doctor," she replies. "We have doctors for the eyes and doctors for the ear, nose and throat, but no eye-ear doctor."
No help. He repeats, "I want to see the eye-ear doctor."
They go around like this for a few minutes and then the nurse says: "Comrade, there is no eye-ear doctor, but if there were one, why would you want to see him?"
"Because," he replies, "I keep hearing one thing and seeing another."
There was a farmer who had a herd of pigs. One day someone went to the farm and asked the farmer: "What do you use to feed your pigs?"
"Well, I give them acorn, corn, and things like that. Why?"
"Because I am from the Animals Protection Association and I think you don't feed them like you should, they shouldn't eat wastes." Then he fined the farmer.
Some days later, another person arrived and asked the same question. The farmer answered: "Well, I feed them very well. I give them salmon, caviar, shrimp, steak...why?"
"Because I am from the United Nations Organization and I think it's unfair that you feed your pigs like that when there are people dying with nothing to eat." And he fined the farmer.
Finally, another man came in and asked just the same question. The hesitant farmer answered after a few minutes: "Well, I give five dollars to each pig so they can buy whatever they want."
A bus load of tourists arrives at Runnymede. They gather around the guide who says, "This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta."
A fellow at the front of the crowd asks, "When did that happen?"
"1215," answers the guide.
The man looks at his watch and says, "Damn! Just missed it by a half hour!"
The new iPad went on sale this week. The picture's so fantastic, you can see with amazing clarity just how obsolete the iPad you got for Christmas is
Continue reading…....
A couple was having marital difficulties and consulted a marriage counselor. After meeting with them, the counselor told them that their problems could all be traced to a lack of communication. "You two need to talk," he said. "So, I recommend that you go to a jazz club. Just wait until it's time for the bass player to solo. Then you'll be talking just like everyone else."
Continue reading…....
A statistics major was completely hung over the day of his final exam. It was a True/False test, so he decided to flip a coin for the answers. The stats professor watched the student the entire two hours as he was flipping the coin...writing the answer...flipping the coin...writing the answer. At the end of the two hours, everyone else had left the final except for the one student. The professor walks up to his desk and interrupts the student, saying: "Listen, I have seen that you did not study for this statistics test, you didn't even open the exam. If you are just flipping a coin for your answer, what is taking you so long?"
The student replies bitterly, as he is still flipping the coin: "Shhh! I am checking my answers!"
There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons. After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. So he made up the sign and posted it in the field. The next day the kids show up and they see this sign, it says "Warning!! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."
So the kids run off, make up their own sign and post it next to the sign that the farmer made. The farmer shows up the next week and when he looks over the field he notices that no watermelons are missing but he notices a new sign next to his. He drives up to the sign which read: "Now there are two".
When a visitor to a small town in Georgia came upon a wild dog attacking a young boy, he quickly grabbed the animal and throttled it with his two hands.
A reporter saw the incident, congratulated the man and told him the headline the following day would read, "Valiant Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal."
The hero told the journalist that he wasn't from that town.
"Well, then," the reporter said, "the headline will probably say, 'Georgia Man Saves Child by Killing Dog'."
"Actually," the man said, "I'm from Connecticut."
"In that case," the reporter said in a huff, "the headline should read, 'Yankee Kills Family Pet'."
Things you would NOT want to see happen at the ATM
- You go to get a balance inquiry, and instead of printing out a receipt the screen says: "Not worth wasting paper", and ejects your card.
- You try to get a balance inquiry, and the screen says: "Account not found." and keeps your card.
- You insert your card, and try to get some cash, and the ATM laughs and spits out your shredded card.
- You withdraw some money to pay some bills, count it, and the screen says: "What, you thought there was some EXTRA there? HA!", and ejects your card clear across the room.
- You think you've got $100 in your account and go to take out $50, and the screen says: "Not in this lifetime." and laughs as you bang on the machine, trying desperately to get your card back that the machine has taken.
- You go to the ATM, and there's a picture of you a-la-"Most Wanted" staring forlornly at the ATM camera with a caption that reads: "Wanted for trying to get water from a dry well."
Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim? Defendant: No, I did not. Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury? Defendant: Yes, I do. And they're a hell of a lot better than the penalty for murder
Continue reading…....
In a speech on Wall Street the other day, President Obama compared himself to Gandhi. Well, that makes sense. He's created a lot of jobs in India.posted by Mitesh Asher at 12:00 AM on Mar 13, 2012
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
Apple unveiled the new iPad last week. The new iPad apparently has only modest improvements over previous models - which of course means I will trample over my own mother to get one. posted by Mitesh Asher at 12:00 AM on Mar 12, 2012
A Lutheran pastor, a Catholic priest and a professional poker player were fishing from a boat not from the shore of a lake. The pastor needed to go to the bathroom so he got out of the boat, walked across the water, disappeared into the woods by the shore, then walked back across the water to the boat and climbed back in.
The priest was the next to make the trip, getting out of the boat, walking across the water, disappearing into the trees, then walking back across the water and returning to the boat.
The professional poker player was the last to go. He stepped out of the boat and immediately sank. The pastor looked at the priest and said: "You really should have told him where the rocks are."
A tourist asks a man in uniform, "Are you a policeman?" "No, I am an undercover detective." "So why are you in uniform?" "Today is my day off."posted by Mitesh Asher at 12:01 AM on Mar 11, 2012
- Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
- Spotted on the back of a t-shirt worn by LAPD Bomb Squad: "If you see me running, try to keep up."
- Don't you think it's unnerving that doctors call what they do "Practice"?
- You have the right to remain silent, anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
- A closed mouth gathers no feet.
- Did you ever notice that Evian bottled water is Naïve spelled backwards?
- The grass may actually be greener on the other side of the fence, but it still has to be mowed!
- A Wizard worked in a modern factory. Everything was satisfactory except that certain miscreants, taking advantage of his good nature, would steal his parking spot. This continued until he put up the following effective sign: "This Parking Space Belongs To The Wizard. ... Violators Will Be Toad."
- The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention. - The accident occured when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle. - I was driving my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before. - Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have. - The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth. - As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeard in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. - The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end. - An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished. - I thought my window was down but found it was up when I put my hand through it. - To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian. - A pedestrian hit me and went under my car. - The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran him over. - I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.posted by Mitesh Asher at 12:01 AM on Mar 6, 2012
Three professors (a physicist, a chemist, and a statistician) are called in to see their dean. Just as they arrive the dean is called out of his office, leaving the three professors there. The professors see with alarm that there is a fire in the wastebasket.
The physicist says, "I know what to do! We must cool down the materials until their temperature is lower than the ignition temperature and then the fire will go out."
The chemist says, "No! No! I know what to do! We must cut off the supply of oxygen so that the fire will go out due to lack of one of the reactants."
While the physicist and chemist debate what course to take, they both are alarmed to see the statistician running around the room starting other fires. They both scream, "What are you doing?"
To which the statistician replies, "Trying to get an adequate sample size."
Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner. Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this stamps you as being wise. Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the others. When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed. Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you popular - it's what everyone is waiting for.
- CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months - PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms - ISDN: It Still Does Nothing - MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed - DOS: Defunct Operating System - WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System - OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too - PnP: Plug and Pray - APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity - IBM: I Blame Microsoft - MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers - COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language - MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
- you have ever tried to repair a $15.00 radio. - you think of the gadgets in your office as "friends." - you think your computer looks better without the cover. - you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as is." - you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance. - you think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid. - the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions. - the microphone at a meeting doesn't work and you rush up to fix it. - you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage. - you own a set of itty-bitty screwdrivers and you actually know where they are. - you just don't have the heart to throw away the 100-in-1 electronics kit you got for your ninth birthday. - you have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.
The JOKES Blog: Happy Wordless Wednesday!!#navbar-iframe { display:block }skip to main | skip to sidebarThe JOKES BlogHA HA HA (Loud Evil Laughter) !!! Link Exchange Monday, January 31, 2011 Happy Wordless Wednesday!!
Posted byThe Bizarre Jokesterat7:11 AM
8comments: the teachsaid...
Ha! Very funny! Happy WW on Tuesday! :)
January 29, 2008 9:53 PMPhotographic Memoriessaid...
Oh, funny-funny! Happy WW! Take care...
January 29, 2008 10:38 PMSandee (Comedy +)said...
Yep, and in California you might want to do that in February. Have a great WW. :)
January 30, 2008 12:42 AMgennysaid...
thats funny too. hehehhe
January 30, 2008 1:26 AMYensaid...
Bwahahaha..thanks for the laugh:)
January 30, 2008 3:05 AMCheeriosaid...
Very funny. Mine's up too.
January 30, 2008 9:30 AM**"Liza"**said...
lol that is sure funny..
January 30, 2008 5:24 PMStephensaid...
cool and funny.... lol
March 7, 2008 2:00 PMPost a Comment Newer PostOlder PostHomeSubscribe to:Post Comments (Atom)About MeThe Bizarre JokesterI really want to invent a light saber before I die. And a time-machine, if I have time. I know building time-machine first makes sense, but light saber's too cool to delay.View my complete profile
Blog Archive? 2011(30) ? April(4)Thursday Thirteen: Excerpts From Classified Sectio...Happy Wordless Wednesday!!TT - Have you ever wondered??WW ? March(10)Cat Contemplation - 213 Ways to be AnnoyingTT - All quotes by Albert EinsteinTT - New Old SayingsDear Bank ManagerThe Atheist and the SharkHeart SurgeonThings To PonderHAPPY WW!Thursday Thirteen: Car Insurance Excuses ? February(8)WWThursday Thirteen: You Might Be a Technician if......Happy Wordless Wednesday!!Thursday Thirteen - CIA: Computer Industry Acronym...Happy WWThursday Thirteen - You know you work for the Gove...Thursday Thirteen! You know you're old when...BACK!!!? January(8)Happy Wordless Wednesday!!Thursday Thirteen - Alcohol Consumption WarningWWWWTT - Cat Contemplation - 1Wordless Wednesday!!!!TT - Thirteen Automobile AcronymsWW ? 2010(91) ? December(11)Thursday Thirteen - You Know You Have Had Too Much...WWWhat is 2 * 2 ?Happy WWA Texas millionaireGreat Sales TechniqueTT - Lessons Learned By a ParentHappy WW!Kidneys and LiversTT - New Old SayingsAirport Mix-Up ? November(6)TT - Thirteen Lines of WORKTT - Actual Answers From Students On Music ExamsTT - 13 Lines - Are you a true elementary school t...Happy Wordless Wednesday!!TT - You Know You Have Still Had Too Much Coffee W...TT - Things You Don't Want to Hear Over an Airline... ? October(10)Smart BlondeTT - Dictionary of More Performance Evaluation Com...A mathematician and a physicist agree ... ? September(9) ? August(13) ? July(13) ? June(14) ? May(11) ? April(4)Link ExchangeMiddle East PostThe Dolphin and its EleganceInsect InterestThe Tiger and its MajestyCat FelineThe Polar Bear and its StrengthThe Cheetah and its StyleApplesOrangesBananahumorous humerusFun PagesJenaka JokesFree PC GamesA Treasure of SMS, Jokes & Amazing FactsRacing Car BlogChocolateismDaily updated downloads sourceAmazing Love StoriesExpo WorldMakesYouLaughComputerized WorldFun with PicturesBlog RankingsfunnyjokesLaughing GagsJoke DiaryE-LaughsWeezy's Money TipsWeezy's FUN ZoneWeezy's 2 centsWallpaperEarn At Home TipsFiddlesticksLawyer LaughterInfinitely CRAZYNature Fact FileEnglish PranksAll Car StuffAdvertising InvestmentMullen's WorldBestest BlogBaby Care BasicsMerapuManSponsorsLoading...
At a country-club party a young man was introduced to an attractive girl. Immediately he began paying her court and flattering her outrageously. The girl liked the young man, but she was taken a bit aback by his fast and ardent pitch. She was amazed when after 30 minutes he seriously proposed marriage.
"Look," she said. "We only met a half hour ago. How can you be so sure? We know nothing about each other."
"You're wrong," the young man declared. "For the past 5 years I've been working in the bank where your father has his account."
A story is told that Richard Wagner was walking on a street in Berlin one day and came across an organ-grinder who was grinding out the overture to Tannhäuser. Wagner stopped and said, "As a matter of fact, you are playing it too fast."
The organ-grinder at once recognized Wagner, tipped his hat, and said, "Oh thank you, Herr Wagner! Thank you, Herr Wagner!"
The next day Wagner returned to the same spot and found the organ-grinder grinding out the overture at the correct tempo. Behind him was a big sign: "PUPIL OF RICHARD WAGNER."
There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of the sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat.
As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a ways off and he starts swimming like crazy. He's scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!"
In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?"
Aghast with confusion and knowing he can't lie the man replies, "Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?"
The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracted back into the heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again.
As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back.
Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food for which I am about to receive..."
- When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.
- You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.
- Your biggest loss from a system crash is you lose your best jokes.
- Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
- You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
- It no longer amazes you that computer security is more important than having computers.
- Your office computer was just upgraded to a 200 MHz Pentium this year.
- Computer specialists know less about computers than your teenager.
- Lunch is like another scheduled meeting, only shorter.
- You and your coequals always consume the free food left over from VIP meetings.
- It's dark when you drive to and from work.
- You're forced to park your car a mile from the office because of all the commanders, customers, designated contractor, VIP's, employees of the month/quarter/year and visitor, parking spaces by the main entrance.
The JOKES Blog: Happy Wordless Wednesday!!#navbar-iframe { display:block }skip to main | skip to sidebarThe JOKES BlogHA HA HA (Loud Evil Laughter) !!! Link Exchange Monday, January 31, 2011 Happy Wordless Wednesday!!
Posted byThe Bizarre Jokesterat7:11 AM
8comments: the teachsaid...
Ha! Very funny! Happy WW on Tuesday! :)
January 29, 2008 9:53 PMPhotographic Memoriessaid...
Oh, funny-funny! Happy WW! Take care...
January 29, 2008 10:38 PMSandee (Comedy +)said...
Yep, and in California you might want to do that in February. Have a great WW. :)
January 30, 2008 12:42 AMgennysaid...
thats funny too. hehehhe
January 30, 2008 1:26 AMYensaid...
Bwahahaha..thanks for the laugh:)
January 30, 2008 3:05 AMCheeriosaid...
Very funny. Mine's up too.
January 30, 2008 9:30 AM**"Liza"**said...
lol that is sure funny..
January 30, 2008 5:24 PMStephensaid...
cool and funny.... lol
March 7, 2008 2:00 PMPost a Comment Newer PostOlder PostHomeSubscribe to:Post Comments (Atom)About MeThe Bizarre JokesterI really want to invent a light saber before I die. And a time-machine, if I have time. I know building time-machine first makes sense, but light saber's too cool to delay.View my complete profile
Blog Archive? 2011(30) ? April(4)Thursday Thirteen: Excerpts From Classified Sectio...Happy Wordless Wednesday!!TT - Have you ever wondered??WW ? March(10)Cat Contemplation - 213 Ways to be AnnoyingTT - All quotes by Albert EinsteinTT - New Old SayingsDear Bank ManagerThe Atheist and the SharkHeart SurgeonThings To PonderHAPPY WW!Thursday Thirteen: Car Insurance Excuses ? February(8)WWThursday Thirteen: You Might Be a Technician if......Happy Wordless Wednesday!!Thursday Thirteen - CIA: Computer Industry Acronym...Happy WWThursday Thirteen - You know you work for the Gove...Thursday Thirteen! You know you're old when...BACK!!!? January(8)Happy Wordless Wednesday!!Thursday Thirteen - Alcohol Consumption WarningWWWWTT - Cat Contemplation - 1Wordless Wednesday!!!!TT - Thirteen Automobile AcronymsWW ? 2010(91) ? December(11)Thursday Thirteen - You Know You Have Had Too Much...WWWhat is 2 * 2 ?Happy WWA Texas millionaireGreat Sales TechniqueTT - Lessons Learned By a ParentHappy WW!Kidneys and LiversTT - New Old SayingsAirport Mix-Up ? November(6)TT - Thirteen Lines of WORKTT - Actual Answers From Students On Music ExamsTT - 13 Lines - Are you a true elementary school t...Happy Wordless Wednesday!!TT - You Know You Have Still Had Too Much Coffee W...TT - Things You Don't Want to Hear Over an Airline... ? October(10)Smart BlondeTT - Dictionary of More Performance Evaluation Com...A mathematician and a physicist agree ... ? September(9) ? August(13) ? July(13) ? June(14) ? May(11) ? April(4)Link ExchangeMiddle East PostThe Dolphin and its EleganceInsect InterestThe Tiger and its MajestyCat FelineThe Polar Bear and its StrengthThe Cheetah and its StyleApplesOrangesBananahumorous humerusFun PagesJenaka JokesFree PC GamesA Treasure of SMS, Jokes & Amazing FactsRacing Car BlogChocolateismDaily updated downloads sourceAmazing Love StoriesExpo WorldMakesYouLaughComputerized WorldFun with PicturesBlog RankingsfunnyjokesLaughing GagsJoke DiaryE-LaughsWeezy's Money TipsWeezy's FUN ZoneWeezy's 2 centsWallpaperEarn At Home TipsFiddlesticksLawyer LaughterInfinitely CRAZYNature Fact FileEnglish PranksAll Car StuffAdvertising InvestmentMullen's WorldBestest BlogBaby Care BasicsMerapuManSponsorsLoading...
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Monday, January 31, 2011 Happy Wordless Wednesday!!
the teachsaid...
Stephensaid...
The Bizarre JokesterI really want to invent a light saber before I die. And a time-machine, if I have time. I know building time-machine first makes sense, but light saber's too cool to delay.View my complete profile